Recovering From The ‘Just Relax’ Sex Advice Epidemic

Just Relax

For a very long time ‘JUST RELAX’ was apparently the only sex advice that you needed.

If you don’t feel like sex – Just Relax

If you don’t enjoy sex – Just Relax

If you can’t orgasm – Just Relax


In other words, if you could master the fine art of ‘just relax’ your sex life would be transformed.

You see with Mindful Just Relaxing” you should be able to get turned on, enjoy sex and even orgasm!!


“Don’t you wish that you could master the fine art of Just relax?”


But seriously, whoever birthed this theory may have had greatest of intentions but I get the feeling that their true intentions got lost in translation.

Or perhaps they were clueless and their advice got propagated by people who knew no better.

I have often asked people what does it even mean to “ just relax”

Like really…

  • What does it mean to ‘just relax”?
  • What are we aiming to do when we are trying to ‘just relax’?
  • What are we aiming not to do when we are ‘just relaxing? &
  • How does this help want more sex, say yes to sex or even enjoy sex more?

It’s time for us to rectify the misconceptions that go along with this advice.
Because this advice is still doing the rounds.

To me.. being told to ‘just relax’ makes it sound like your role in enhancing your sexual experience is very passive.

Like that’s all you have to do.

So are we trying to relax
our mind or our body?

The theory suggests that all you need to do is relax and the rest  will take care of itself.

Unfortunately, relaxation on it’s own is not the sole precursor to igniting your sexual desire and arousal.

…and when it comes to relaxing our mind what does that even mean?

Does that mean that we stop bitching about the situation, does that mean we we count sheep?

I don’t really know what they had in mind.

Relaxing Your Mind

In regards to sex, relaxing your mind represents your conscious attempts to let go of unrelated thoughts and worries.

You see these thoughts and worries distract you,

they annoy you and they keep you focused and attending to your thoughts.

They distract you away from being able to fully register the physiological arousal that you might be experiencing in your body at the time.

Do you need more me time?

When you just haven’t had enough time to unwind, the mental tension in your system can  make it difficult for you to allow yourself to focus your attention away from the worry.

For example, if you’re partner annoyed you earlier that day and that’s still on your mind then

  • You may not be ready (or able) to let go of what’s been bothering you
  • You may not be ready to let your partner into your physical or emotional space (just yet)
  • You might register the physical attention and/or sensations as undesirable
  • You find yourself struggling to refocus your mind away from all of this.

Which means that you find yourself struggling to connect with your own body, with your own arousal system.

What else?

General stress, exhaustion, worry, medications all work differently but in their own way, they have the same effect.

In other words:

  • the way you’re feeling may affect your desire for touch and intimacy,
  • it can affect how that touch actually feels e.g. you love snuggling up on the couch but that changes when you’re not feeling great.
  • You struggle to respond positively
  • You struggle to get your head in the game

Can you relate to these?

As you can see just relaxing  can be virtually impossible under some circumstances. Sure there will be times when you find yourself being able to get turned on and being able to get into it despite the way you were feeling when you first started.

Unfortunately, aiming to Just Relax is an extremely unreliable plan.

I’m sure you’ve realised that you’re going to need more strategies to feel like you have the tools to help you get into the mood tonight.

Just Relaxing is great as long as it’s not the only advice that you receive and it’s not the only thing that you focus on trying to do when you’re trying to connect with your partner.

FYI Because there comes a point in time when being passive in mind and body, is more like a recipe for sleep than a recipe for amazing intimacy and sex.

Being able to relax and learning how to consciously calm your mind and body are an integral skill that needs to be understood and utilized more effectively.

The benefits from de-stressing and focussing mindfully are skills that can be developed so that you can help yourself engage in intimacy and sex more easily and with more fulfilling outcomes.