WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUR DESIRE FOR SEX DOSN’T MATCH YOUR PARTNERS DESIRE FOR SEX ?

When one partner remains enthusiastic about being sexually intimate while the other is subdued or even distant the couple start questioning everything in an attempt to understand why this is.

It becomes even more confusing when you guys love each other and yet the sparks have stopped flying.

One of the consequences of experiencing a decline in desire is that you don’t feel like having sex as often as you used to.

When your partner’s desire for sex remains much higher than yours, then your desire discrepancy will amplify, highlighting the differences between your sexual needs.

You become painfully aware of the differences,  creating a whole lot of problems that many couples struggle to resolve on their own.

That’s why couples with mismatched libidos often fight about their differing expectations.

EXPECTATIONS - HOW YOU THINK IT SHOULD BE

Most sex therapists would agree that mismatched libido’s or couples with a desire discrepancy (same thing) is one of the most common problems needing to be addressed in practice.

People expect spontaneous, arousing, orgasmic sex that you can access easily and quickly. It’s considered a problem when that does happen.

Couples start working on why sex isn’t happening spontaneously as often and how to fix it so things can go back to being ‘normal.”

WHO'S TO BLAME

Both partners play a role in being mismatched. More often than not, the partner who is unresponsive or uninterested is blamed for the situation. What couples need to realize is that just as it takes two to tango, it takes two to tussle.

THE MEANING YOU GIVE TO THE DIFFERENCES

It isn’t the mismatch itself that causes all of the damage to the relationship, it’s the meaning attached to these differences.
  • You’re selfish.
  • You’re Lazy.
  • You would want to have sex with me is you loved me.
  • If you were attracted to me sexually you would…
  • You just want me for sex.
  • Desiring sex is normal

INTERPRETATIONS AND JUDGMENTS

Interpretations and judgments such as these can arise even when you’re in a good loving relationship.

If your partner believes that you rarely initiate sex because you don’t love them or you don’t find them attractive, it can be difficult to maintain your emotional relationship.

How can you prove you love them. If the only way you can do that is by desiring them more then you are trapped by their association. Feeling helpless or stuck is not a great stepping stone towards feeling desire.

DEALING WITH DISAPPOINTMENT OR CONFUSION.

Irritability, sulking, insults, anger, distancing oneself or talking about it obsessively can cause as much damage as the the sexual differences themselves.

ARE MISMATCHED LIBIDOS ALWAYS A PROBLEM

Not always, many couples are able to deal with their differences with respect, generosity and tolerance and are able to achieve a good sexual relationship because they recognise that these differences in sexuality as normal.

It may have taken them some time and it may have been a difficult journey but couples can get there.

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